I woke up this morning like any other morning and went about my day. But, there was something that just wasn’t right about today and it is a feeling I have been getting for almost two to three years now. When I look around all I see is dullness, this sharp gray color that seems to be floating everywhere. I live in one of the most advanced cities in the world and it is always improving year after year. However, I have reached a point in my life where I am beginning to access everything I see and lately, I have been seeing this underlying negativity in everything around me, Family, Friends, School, Work etc. Am I okay? I constantly ask myself this question because I don’t know! I seem okay on most days but on some days there is just something that triggers this self-conscious side of myself and it makes me evaluate everything and everyone and I don’t really like what I see.
I feel more comfortable in dark colored clothing, in fact, the first time are wore all black was the day that I felt at home with myself which is odd because I don’t normally do that. I guess I may be going through some sort of identity crisis because I’m still trying to figure out who I am, people who have their lives already planned out wouldn’t understand a single thing I’m saying because to them I’m complaining but to me I feel like its who I am. The truth is is that I’ve always been odd. I know it’s not uncommon to describe yourself by but really though I am odd. I don’t like crowds yet I like being around people because I get to hear their stories, I love my time, I have this thing for the macabre, the dark and twisted things. When I was in preschool we were told to color an elephant so I colored mine purple. The student sitting next to exclaimed “Hey! You can’t do that its wrong” I was shocked for the first time someone had stopped me from being myself. I had no idea I would continue facing this challenge of being myself for the rest of my life. In fact, I very much hated school, I hated facing people and I still struggle with this today. I hate structure and I love spontaneous but for the life of me, I lack confidence. I have failed in the most glorious way and I’m stuck here because I haven’t seized to exist yet.